Homegirl

I love my best friend like a sister. This means I would lay down in traffic for her wearing my hippest most expensive one of a kind outfit. I would let my best Prada bag take a bullet for her. I would walk through fire sacrificing my Jimmy Choos. Love her like a sister. Which means I hate her just as much. Typical I guess.

I step back and find this is strange. I miss her to no end. She lives about an hour away from me so we don't see each other as much as we did in college. When I first moved away, we still talked every day. Hell, we would call each other up just to burp into the phone and hang up. Good times. We used to LOOOOOOVE to crank call people, even when were full grown adults. Dumb ass caller ID fucked that all up.

Every year for Halloween we would dress up BIG time as something special. It was a tradition. Never had any place to BE on Halloween, butis some sorry fucker actuallyASKED us to go somewhere, hot damn we would be ready. Mostly spent the night throwing back a few and scaring little kids. Not because of the costumes, but because we are freaky ass drunks that tend to freak out little kids. Good thing little kids don't hang out in bars, we would be a terror.


ANYWAY, one year we were Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. See exhibit A. The next year we were pregnant crack whores, complete with signs that said "Will work for crack." Was beautiful. Our boyfriends at the time both ended up willing to marry us even after they got a load of us in all our glory. SUCKERS! The following year, we decided that her boyfriend should be Mr. T . But then, the more we both thought about it, the more WE both wanted to be Mr. T too. So we all 3 were. We were the 3 Mr. T's. Makes no fucking sense, but we didn't care. We all 3 pitied the foo' who didn't get it. The next year we were Oompa Loompas. Why not? We had nothing better to do.

Let someone ELSE cure cancer, me and my bud we be working on the creme de la creme of lame ass Halloween costumes. Made no one else laugh but ourselves, but that's fine. As long as we were laughing long and hard, we could care less. To this day that's the same.

We were crazy crazy bitches back in the day. I remember one time getting so drunk that I accidentally punched her and threw her jaw all outta wack. I gave her TMJ (is a bummer of a jaw problem if you don't know what it is). Funny thing is, I already HAD TMJ myself, so I chalked it up to her just trying to copy me. Cuz, I am sensitive like that. Anyway, she took a punch in the jaw from me and still held my hair when I redeposited my dinner into the toilet via my mouth. That's devotion man. Next time I think I may kick her in the clam and see is she still comes hobbling back. Nothing like a healthy relationship eh?

Anyway, so back to how much I love/hate her. It truly is a sister thing to some degree. When I hear her talk I want to roll my eyes and tell her how wrong she is and that she is a bitch. She has become all "responsible" and opinionated about shit I could care less about. I just wanna get drunk. Maybe I need to grow up, or maybe she needs to lighten up. Whatever. I hate her. I love her. Maybe I should mix the two words together to explain my feelings. Something like, "I hove her" or maybe "I late her". Damn, neither one of those has the zing I am looking for. That's fine you get my point.

I am sure she feels the same way. We would never tell each other how we feel about each other. Our relationship is strange... We don't share our feelings unless we are drunk... then she gets all mushy and babbles. But if I were ever to meet some one who called her a name or said one bad thing about her, I would FUCKING BEAT THEM SENSELESS, RIP THEIR HEADS OFF AND SHIT DOWN THEIR THROAT!!! Ahem, where was I... oh yes, I can't stand my best friend. She is always so wrong and I am always right. God I love her.

We women are strange beasts huh?