You are ALL witnesses.....

This is "Sam". She blogs. She is a little annoying. She really can't handle it that we have never met and is dying to meet me. It's because I am so cool. I rock. EVERYBODY wants to know me. Why wouldn't they? My teeth stick out. (Braces.) My hair sticks out. (It's almost pubic like.) My forehead is the size of a frying pan. (A big one.) And I swear a lot. (Sailors blush..)

How could you not want a piece of me?! I ask you. I know. It's a tough question to answer. You want to gush. You want to be my friend, yet you don't want to look desperate. Puulease.

So that is how "Sam" is. Desperate and jobless and out for a good time and wants to meet me. We have spoken on the phone and spewed expletives at one another in loving gest. Yet no in your presence face slapping yet. That will be tonight.

That is where you come in my loyal blogger. (Yes, I put that in the singular - all one of you.) Here is her picture. Yes, that is EXACTLY how she looks. Use it to give to the authorities if you never see me again. If I fail to return from my drunken celebration this evening - you know what to do. Call the FBI, the CIA, the PTA, AT&T and MCI. Let everyone know to put an APB on me. Then sit down and watch CBS. Eat a PB&J and wash it down with a little O.J. The listen to a little X.T.C. PAY ATTENTION - you are SO OCD.

Ahem...moving along.

Consider this my statement to the authorities if I disappear. SAM did it! It was SAM. Don't let her (if she really is a her) fool you. SAM ALLLLLL THE WAY.

And if I am in any hot water after this evening and I don't disappear but the authorities are still involved? It was still Sam. I am innocent. I love puppies and cute bunnies. You can't convict me on the grounds that I like cute things. And Sam did it anyway.

Remember those beady eyes people. Remember.....