Window Licking Retards

12/28/06 @ 12:22 pm- Husband and I visit the dreadful Home Depot to order a 10 foot sliding glass door.

12/28/06 @ 1:15 - Husband and I finally obtain service from a pot smoking, orange aproned replica of Wayne Campbell. Shwing!

12/28/06@ 2:30 - We (husband and I) are told that the turn time for the slider to be made and delivered will be week and a half. Also told that pigs can fly. We believe both fabrications. Prepare to await to have our slider delivered by flying pigs.

12/29/06- 1/15/07 - Crickets chirp and silence rocks our neighborhood as nothing happens thanks to the Home Deep and their technical skills.

1/16/07 @ 8:00 AM- I call the Deep. Wayne Campbell is shocked and amazed. Not that I call, not that I haven't gotten my slider, but at the fact that his fingers can make shadow puppets. Wayne tells me he will get a supervisor to handle it and call the manufacturer.

Takes 10 minutes for him to enunciate m-a-n-u-f-a-c-t-u-r-e-r.

1/16/07 @ 4 PM - I follow up - not hearing back from supervisor. I am told the slider was shipped but lost in transit. It was shipped from a plant 30 miles from my house. But I am told, flying pigs can get lost very easily when delivering special order products that are over teo feet wide and eight feet tall. I think (I can't recall) they told me it has something to do with the low pressure systems that can move through the area in the winter time - brings the temp down to a frigid 60 degrees. Promised by supervisor that it will be remade and reshipped on a rush.

2/8/07 @ 1:15 pm - Window slider is delivered. Husband there to witness the magic. Delivery men/part time brain surgeons/rocket scientists hand my husband these to go along with out TEN FOOT SLIDING GLASS DOOR:

2/8/07 @ 1:16PM - Husband points out that there is not SLIDING screen door on the door and why did they hand him above noted pair of mini waste of our time screens. Delivery men look at my husband blankly. Husband attempts pantomime and drawing pictures in the dust to communicate with the natives. To no avail.

2/9/07 @ 8:00 AM - I call the Deep - ask them what the fuck. Am told they can't control the manufacturer . A new replacement screen is ordered on a rush. I have yet to see any flying pigs in the sky. I start to suspect that Wayne Campbell might not have been telling me the truth about those flying oinkers.

2/12/07 @ 11 Am - Previously scheduled for 1/23/07 - the slider installation is set. When they installers get there - I ask them if they have a cleaner that will help remove finger prints from the delivery dorks as my wimpy Windex has not worked. Realize as they try to clean it - THE FINGER PRINTS ARE ON THE INSIDE OF THE TWO PANES OF GLASS. We cannot clean it. The low-e film is completely damaged and we can fix it. Fucking retards sealed up the windows with this shit on it!!! WTF? I send the installers home.

2/12/07 @ 11:31 AM - Anna meets with manager at the Deep where I lay down the law. I am told that I should have had the window installed ANYWAY and that the manufacturer would simply come out and replace the glass only within the door once installed. I point out, that is not something I could have known - but that I DO know that licking the windows on the low-e side of a double paned window is not a good idea and that THAT should be obvious as well, but alas THAT didn't happen either so I want my money back or you will see a very curly haired women go absolutely ballistic in the tile aisle of your store Mr. Bald Manager, Sir.

2/12/07 @11:32 AM - Manager at the Deep credits back over half of the cost of the window if I DON'T return the special order slider, I do let them install it and let them replace the glass. Said window has been quoted at over $10k with some places. I take it and glare at the manager , though I feel that I really wasn't getting through to him.

2/21/07 @12 pm - Fucking slider set to be installed. Marks and all. Going on an all pork diet to protest the fact that those little fuckers don't fly like I was told. And they will pay for it.

I win.

Out of now where, a month ago my man decided he was doing something special for me on V-Day. He has spoken of it here and there and instructed me that I was not to look inside the trunk of his car as that is where the amazing, highly anticipated V-Day gift was hiding.

I never peeked. I never once tried to pry out from him what this fantastic gift was. I just smiled and waiting patiently for V-Day.

Why? Because the moment he mentioned that he was planning something special, I decided I was going to TOP him and SURPRISE HIM with something fantastic, amazing and never to be forgotten.

He did get me something pretty amazing. I love it. I won't tell you what it is because it wouldn't matter. I STILL have won the V-Day gift-a-poluza. He could have stolen the Hope Diamond and I woulda still won.

What did I get him?

Me dancing in fish nets and a school girl uniform. He still had a grin when he left for work today.

Yeah, I totally win.

Grr

When the love of your life visits far away places, you should be with them.

Tried telling my husband this as he broke news to me that in a weeks time he will be flittering off to London, Amsterdam and New York.

Me? Not going.

SOOOOOOOOOO jealous. I didn't speak to him last night. Because, for the record, EVERY time I took a business trip - he got to come along and mooch.

He said I would be bored and that since we are going later this year it makes sense that I stay. Uh, HELLO? A-M-S-T-E-R-D-A-M.

Fucktard.

Owning nothing is AWESOME

Over the past year, I have evolved in many ways.

I am more settled with myself than I have ever been. I have been selfish. I have been immature and childish. I have been a partier and a homebody. I have been more responsible and I have let loose more. I have volunteered with charities that fill me up inside. I have given away more money than I ever have in the past to perfect strangers. I have spent more money on myself. I have saved more. I have felt a transition that shadows anything I felt in my twenties. Even turning 30 had little effect. Not like this.

I have realized recently I laugh harder and deeper now than I ever have. Even my husband has noticed. Seriously, my laugh has changed. It's heartier and goofier.

And all of it has felt good.

Best part. I have thrown away SOOOOOO many things. So many things. My house is bare. And if feels goooood. God Damn. I can't explain how owning less has made me feel so damn good. And at a time were my husband and I should be more stressed than ever due to events that I shall not explain (think fraud and lawsuits) I can't believe how fucking happy I am. It is so easy to maintain and keep clean. I. Love. It.

Also. I am drunk.

The Bank

Few years ago I went to London. Visited a restuarant called The Bank.

I hate bread pudding. Or so I thought.

Had their sticky toffee pudding. I wanted to punch someone it was so good.

I crave it right now. You can only imagine what I may do to a person just to get it.

I. Want. Sticky. Toffee. Pudding.


-NOW-