DAYUM!

KABOW! (1 shot fired)

"That's for taking the boy off the boat." - Sawyer

Best line of the whole episode.

Bad hearts and free hats

Monday afternoon my ex step mom called me. I love her. I always have so I was overjoyed to hear from her. Until after 5 seconds of happy hellos she proceeds to tell me my dad had a heart attack and had to be emergency airlifted to some hospital that it a bit better equpped to handle his situation. Rather than the local hospital who see more Coon Hound bites and moonshine poisonings than anything else. Folks there don't have heart attacks. Nope - at that the local hospital they just say your "ticker plum gave out" and pull the sheet over you. Hence - a the need for a GOOD hospital which equals a helicopter flight to another town.

Evidently, he felt like he had heart burn all weekend and finally Monday morning went to his doctor who said "HELLO!? Your heart is attacking - you must go to the ICU NOW or you will be a memory."

So he went, up , up and away in a life flight helicopter. By the time I get on the phone with him Monday night, I am crying a and freaking out. And you know what he does? He just goes ON and ON and ON about the helicopter flight. Like it was one of the top ten things to ever happen to him. The highlight of the past ten year it seems. He couldn't say enough about it and how cool it was. Whatever.

I call him Tuesday and he is in even better spirits than the day before when his heart tried to stop working. Evidently, the crew of the helicopter had so much fun with him while on the flight - because my dad can do stand up comedy laying down while his heart is in full arrest, he's a total multi tasker - that they stopped by and gave him a t-shirt and hat. My dad was on cloud nine. He didn't even notice he was in the cardiac ICU with wires and tubes connected to him with a hospital gown that is the cotton equivalent to assless chaps. Nope. Yippee for Daddy - he got a hat from the pilot of the neato helicopter. Yippee.

People wonder why I am the way I am. This story of the man who helped raise me, is a perfect example. I shall file this under - REASONS I WILL NEVER BE ABLE FUNCTION NORMALLY IN SOCIETY - MY PARENTS.

Crabs and the Bering Sea........

How could these two things be so fucking fascinating!? Dear God. My strange addiction runs deep. I never miss an episode. Ok - WE - the King of Annaland and myself, that is. I am talking about the Deadliest Catch. It is the life blood of our marriage. It is up there with our vows, our love of coleslaw and Special Olympics jokes. Sometimes, in my heart, I feel it trumps all of them. Especially the vows part. I mean - jeeze, we all know I got married for the sex. But a tv show about crabs!? Stop the press. I t makes me rethink EVERYTHING.

For my husband, I think he is in lust with the show because he is a little kid. And little kids lust a lot. I know this. I have watched documentaries about this kind of thing and it makes me an expert. He still gets giddy at the sight of a honest to God bulldozer in action and icky slimy worms. This fills this category well. The show, if you have never seen it, documents the crab season in Alaska as men work 36 hour days on fishing boats as HUGE, GINORMOUS WAVES from the bowels of the sea attack these small vessels. People die every year as the frigid waters will kill you in less that 2 minutes. He loves watching the action when the weather gets crazy.

Me? Why do I like it? Because I am a tomboy through and through and LOVE boating in any form. The crazier the better. Not speed boats, that takes no talent. No no. Unless you call spewing gas fumes into the air and wearing leopard print swim suits while sucking on Bud talent. And for some - it is. Much like thinking is a talent for these same people. But THIS!? Hold on folks, try maneuvering a boat like a bobble head in the scary ass waters of the Bering Sea with rouge waves that will flip tankers like toy boats. Just TRY. I dare you. You are soaked and you have to fight the elements to stay ON the boat and keep it moving and not die a horrible death. Totally sounds like fun. The whole man (WOMAN) against the sea and the elements. Like Lieutenant Dan and his stumpy, legless self yelling at God in Forest Gump. Yeah. That's me. Lt. Dan. But WITH legs. And boobies. Gary Sinise would be proud. Fuck it, I KNOW he is.

I swear to God, I wish I could have been a pirate. Or a lion tamer. It's a toss up.

Drunk Girl Mixed Tape

Last night at about 9:30 as I was feeling buzzed sitting with husband at the computer downloading music I announced I wanted to make a music mix that I could blast on my radio. I like to drive alone and BLARE my radio to wipe out any remaining hearing I have. Hearing is overrated and I would like to really limit it if possible.

Ok, my husband said, just tell me what you think you want on it. Welp, drunk, super animated and overly hyper I begin to peruse the internet to make my cd.

At the time, all the selections made excellent sense. Superior sense. Obvious sense. Like this mix cd has been waiting to be made since the beginning of time and the stars had finally aligned to create the magic.

Now as I listen to the completed cd as I work after last nights magic, hyper, drunk and happy search, I wonder what in the fucking hell I was thinking when I compiled this list. It's a very random compilation to say the least - but no less blastable when sober. But I don't think I would have EVER thought to put this mix combo together when sober.

I will keep the cd. I will play the cd - like now I am totally enjoying it's randomness - but seriously, what the hell was wrong with me last night?????


The Anna Blast Mix:

Devil Went to Georgia - Charlie Daniels (a VERY good start, yes???)
Because of You - Ne-Yo (he sounds like Michael on Thriller - I like me some Ne Yo)
Maneater - Nelly Furtado (because I am)
Run Like Hell - Pink Floyd
Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold (the beat makes me wanna smack someone -in a good way)
Red Rain - Peter Gabriel
Goodbye Stranger - Supertramp (they really are super people)
Turn to Stone - ELO (back when High Fi was "it" these guys had 'it')
Take the Long Way Home - Supertramp (again - yes...)
Sweet Talkin Woman - ELO
Mr. Blue Sky - ELO
Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi (you have to ask why??????)
Oh Sherry - Steve Perry (some ON, how could it NOT be on here?)

So that you know, at 11 pm last night when the King was making this for me, I was BOUNCING around the house as I FORCED him to blast our computer speakers to 11, yes, 11.. because it's better than 10.

When I am not blogging, I am emailing my husband this kinda shit.

I am sure my husband has other things to do at work than read my silly emails. Yet I sit down daily and email him shit like this. It is my way of communicating to him things I need like, "honey - can you snag some more artificial sweetener packets from work?" or "Sweetheart, I tried to get this one remodel task done- but it's hard and I have given up." Both are just a sentence. How boring is that? No. I would rather sit down for 10 minutes and write out a story.

Here are 2 for your pleasure.

**********

Email 1 -

Subject: Just breaking Splenda news...

Reporter: "It's another Splenda emergency here on ??????? Drive. I'm here on the scene with one witness who wished to only be identified as Anna. Tell me Anna, you seem shaken. What did yo see here earlier today?"

Anna: "Well, I am a little stunned. It's kinda hard for me to grasp right now. I was alone in my kitchen and decided to make myself a cup of tea. When I went to my cubbard (sp?) to grab a packet of Splenda... well (tears welling up in her eyes)... I'm sorry. I just so hard to talk about."

Reporter: "I understand. Take your time...."

Anna: "Thanks. (Sniff.) Anyway. I went to grab a packet to sweeten my tea and I was OUT OF SPLENDA." I couldn't believe it. It's terrible. Just terrible. Oh the humanity!"

Reporter: "Well there you have it folks. Another cup of tea, senselessly forced to be consumed without being sweetened. Seems hard to imagine, I know. When will the carnage end? Only time will tell..."


:)

Anna

Note: His response? None - he just brough home a fucking HUGE bag of Splenda. Score.

***********
Email 2 -

Subject: Diary of an incapable remodeler.

Day 27

Lessons of the day. Today, I found that within myself, my powerful intention is no match for my ability to bruise like a banana. Case in point. I have obtained hard to find lights, determined appropriate appliance purchase protocol to maximize value and cost savings, I have negotiated drywall/hardibacker board to the cut rate price of $2 dollars and been able to return said piece of board home all without any hitches or derailments. But I cannot, for the life of me score and cut a piece of drywall.

Those with limited verbal skills and large butt cracks have beat me in this game of ability. I have found that I can pretend to be as capable as they and even display a little coin slot crack for my husbands amusement and benefit, but when it comes to actual drywall work - I am as effective alone as a pencil without lead.

So here I sit - full of will and intent and an intact piece of drywall. It lays there mocking me. Taunting me to come and get it and take charge of it and all I can do is stand beside it and stare - hoping it will install itself to the windowsill.

I consider this my moment of zen where I have learned the universe though limitless - has set limits on me and my girl power. Fucking universe.

:(

Anna

Note: His response? He called to tell me to find a way to cure cancer instead of wasting my brain power on these emails.

***********

I have WAAAAAY too much time on my hands......

SAH-WEET

This is my current kitchen. We have relocated microwave and toaster to the bathroom. Yep. The shitter. It's where I made my dinners. When you are forced to combine your kitchen and bathroom you must re-name the facility to suit the needs it is currently faced with. Kitchen + bathroom = bitchen.

Yep. I have a bitchen.